Master of All Things Web

What to do....what to do

2008-04-29T15:29:00.004-05:00

I want to have a goal for my birthday party this week. I'll be turning 30, so I want to try to attain 30 of something within the time constraints of the party itself. So, what should I do??? I was thinking of getting 30 kisses...but anyone that knows me can vouch that that isn't really a challenge. There will easily be more than 30 women at the party that have already kissed me and would readily do it again. So, what then? 30 handjobs? Ouch, I wouldn't have any skin left. 30 blowjobs? I mean, is that even possible?? How about seeing 30 sets of boobs? Now we're talking! Or making out with 30 different chicks. Again, totally do-able! So, let me know what suggestions you may have...I want to hear them! No, I am not open to doing 30 tequila shots, but thanks anyway. Yes, I know that Patron goes down like water but it comes back up like every other tequila!

I don't know why...

2008-04-25T14:05:00.001-05:00

...but this totally cracks me up. Maybe it's the look of disdain on his his face. Not really sure.

Yep, I'm totally wearing this on May 2nd

2008-04-18T08:52:00.001-05:00

Deal with it...and better yet, do what it says!

Birthday Bash

2008-04-17T16:55:00.004-05:00

Here are the details for my 30th birthday bash: http://www.gettingold.org

Where do they go?

2008-04-16T08:19:00.001-05:00

Why is it that you never see a funeral hearse at a gas pump? I mean, they need gas too, don't they? Or is there some deep dark secret that the funeral industry isn't telling us? Do these things run on embalming fluid....or worse yet, blood?

Nokia's newest ad campaign

2008-04-10T13:09:00.001-05:00

I like it! It's concise, informative, and gets straight to the point.

Neat idea....but it wouldn't work in the dirty dirty south

2008-04-08T09:52:00.003-05:00

I like this guy's concept. He tied a disposable camera to a park bench with instructions for people to use it. Yes, he tied it...with string...which is why is would easily be stolen in the dirty dirty south. Anyway, the results were interesting. Some pics were cute, some were a waste of film, but overall it was still intriguing to see what other people deemed worthy of a picture.

The art of looking busy

2008-04-08T08:42:00.006-05:00

If you are anything like me, you really don't feel like working most of the time. I have devised a list of things to do that will make you look really busy without actually getting a single iota of work done. By using the below listed items, I was given an assistant to handle some of my workload (yes, I am dead serious), and now she actually completes the majority of my work while I get credit for it!

1. Walk really fast when you are going anywhere as to appear that you have somewhere important to be. Do this even if you are going to the breakroom for coffee.

2. Carry a notebook with you while walking down the hallway. An open file folder will work as well. Study the notebook or folder intently as you walk, or at least while walking by the boss’s office.

3. Make copies of something at various times throughout the day. I usually keep an old TPS report lying around just for this purpose. Use this is combination with #1 for added effect.

4. Randomly curse when someone walks by your desk. Make sure that you are looking intently at a piece of paper, or the computer screen. Shaking your head is a nice added effect.

5. Shuffle papers around on your desk. It helps to have a mountain of paperwork on your desk to make it more realistic.

6. Look pissed off. "The damn clients are never satisfied!" This and #4 go together like strippers and STDs.

7. Chat with your friends via instant messengers all day. I concurrently use Gtalk, MSN Messenger, Yahoo Messenger, and AIM. The furious typing that I do to keep up with my friends resonates to other people who then think that you are insanely busy!

8. Have your friends call your office number, so that you can close your office door for this “important business call”. Never talk on your cell phone while at work…it’s a dead giveaway.

9. Stay a little bit late one night a week so that everyone thinks that you are a hard worker and trying to get work done. In reality you will be on MySpace, Facebook, eBay, etc.

10. Finally, if you are still looking for ways to look busy, try using the forms found here to kill some time.

Google's new logo

2008-04-04T15:29:00.001-05:00

How background people ruin your photos

2008-04-03T16:53:00.004-05:00

Really???

2008-04-03T16:43:00.001-05:00

Retirement at 30?

2008-04-03T12:20:00.003-05:00

Thanks to all the wonderful people that visit this blog and click ads to support my advertisers, I have increased my daily revenue on the blog from $2 daily to over $20 daily! Yeehaw!!! This daily average increase has occurred in just over a week and a half since I started monetizing this blog. Man, I need to start some more blogs and keep this momentum going!

Looks can be deceiving...maybe even deadly

2008-04-03T08:13:00.005-05:00

This Day-Timer™ organizing notebook may look innocuous to the untrained eye, but inside it lurks a deep dark secret. Within it lies a killing machine like none other. This Day-Timer is the daytime home to a Glock 23C .40 caliber compensated pistol. Yes, it is true...I am, in fact, a bad man. Don't mess with me and you might be able to stay alive. I'm just kidding people! This pistol is only used for good, not evil. I only carry this pistol in the event that I come across a robbery, a rape, a carjacking, a kidnapping, a drug deal gone bad, maybe a domestic disturbance...who knows. Keep in mind that you don't have to shoot a gun for it to be effective. I could simply pistol whip someone into submission. Read my previous post for an example of such use. I know that many of you out there reading this blog are anti-gun. For those of you that know me, you know that I don't really care. As long as you grant me my rights to own and carry a gun (with the proper license of course), I'll grant you your rights to be an anti-gun hippie. I kid, I kid! (I know that I'll get a response from Erica on this one fo sho!)

No really, I'm serious.

2008-04-02T10:38:00.002-05:00

Most of my friends and family won't believe this....at all. I've decided to join the local rugby team. I start practice next week...every Tuesday and Thursday night. Before you even say it, yes, I know that I am a not-so-big-and-muscular computer geek and that I will get hit pretty hard in rugby. I'm fine with that. I used to be quite athletic playing soccer and running cross country. I was pretty good if I do say so myself. Anyway, I'm still learning all the rules with the help of many friends that have been playing for years. This should be fun...and deadly...but hopefully more fun than deadly.

A Solution for the Middle East Turmoil

2008-04-02T08:34:00.002-05:00

For those that don't know this, I am a worrier. I know you really couldn't guess that by talking with me, but it's true. So one of the things that is weighing heavily on my mind lately is the Middle East. More specifically, I'm worried about the Israel/Palestine issue. The problems in that area could easily spark World War III, and thus the end of civilization as we know it. I mean, there will still be humans on Earth, but we'll all be dealing with nuclear fallout and other fun stuff like that. Anyway, so I've been thinking about ways to solve the Israel/Palestine issue. I found a solution. Rather, I should say, my mother found the solution. We were out having dinner last night before she heads back to Europe, and we were remarking about the bacon wrapped scallops that were SO GOOD. A light bulb went off in her head. An epiphany had just been born. Angels were singing and playing harps around the table. It was an enlightened moment. Bacon. Bacon is the answer. Neither the Arabs in Palestine nor the Jews in Israel eat bacon. That's why they are so pissed off! Come on people, wouldn't you be pissy if you couldn't eat bacon every now and then??? So, now we have a solution. Let's force them to break one little rule of their religion and have them eat bacon. The fighting will stop. The obesity will start. Happiness will ensue. They'll all be fat and happy. Hell, they might even be seen eating together at local eateries...sharing a bacon infused appetizer. Problem solved. Peace out.

Truth in advertising...finally

2008-04-01T16:49:00.002-05:00

Rent-A-Daddy will save the world!!!

2008-03-31T16:12:00.007-05:00

I have an idea for a new business venture. I think it's a great idea. Don't burst my bubble if you disagree. I got my inspiration while I was at a store and noticed a teenage male treating his mother like crap. He obviously didn't have a father in his life to keep in line, and his mother was half his size and couldn't control him anymore. That's where I came up with the vision of Rent-A-Daddy Inc! Rent-A-Daddy will send a grown ass man over to your house any time that your punk ass kid needs some discipline. Are your kid's grades failing? Call Rent-A-Daddy. Is your kid doing drugs? Call Rent-A-Daddy. Does Little Junior think he's a gangsta? Rent-A-Daddy will beat the gangsta right out of his Thug Life ass! Does he have a gun? Don't worry, Rent-A-Daddy specializes in pistol whipping him with his own gat. Basically, if your kid is out of control, we'll get his butt back in line for you. Satisfaction guaranteed. 30 day money back guarantee.

Stupid criminal + funny cop

2008-03-31T16:05:00.003-05:00

One of my sisters is married to a cop. Yes, it is quite ironic that the guy that routinely has warrants out for his arrest (me) has a cop in the family. Anyway, a few nights ago he got a call about a small country church with a silent alarm reporting a break in. Him and his partner arrive at the little country church with their lights and sirens off so that they could sneak up on the crooks. As they are creeping around in the church, they realize that the burglars were around the corner in the next room putting on costumes that they had found. My bro-in-law the cop, being the wise guy that he is, told his partner to stay put and quiet until one of the guys was completely in costume. At that point, the cops came out of hiding and arrested the 2 males. They were 18 and 19 years old, respectively. Here's the funny part: One of the burglars was now fully dressed in a Batman costume and thus was taken into custody in costume, booked at Metro Jail in costume, and his mug shot is also in costume (without the mask of course). How friggin hilarious is that??? I bet the other "residents" of the jail had a good time with Batman!

Am I breaking the law (yet again)???

2008-03-31T15:32:00.004-05:00

I may or may not be breaking the law...I'm not quite sure. I just got my pistol permit renewed today. As I was skimming the brochure that they pass out with the permit, I came upon Alabama Law 13A-11-72. Part B of this law states that "No person who is a drug addict or an habitual drunkard shall own a pistol or have one in his possession or under his control." Now, I'm obviously not a drug addict, but I do partake in an adult beverage under more than occasional circumstances. So, that being said, I wonder if I am breaking the law. I mean, I not only own a pistol (or 5), but I also have a permit to carry a pistol on me at any time. Hmmmm....I wonder.

Is anyone reading this random crap from my head???

2008-03-25T15:13:00.002-05:00

Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.
I hear youre feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.

Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.
Just a little pinprick. [ping]
Therell be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up?
I do believe its working. good.
Thatll keep you going for the show.
Come on its time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

A little place called Heaven

2008-03-24T15:18:00.004-05:00

I truly believe that this is what Heaven looks like. There will be a giant refrigerator at the corner of 2 gold paved streets. Inside that refrigerator you will find every beer known to man....and even some that have been specially brewed by the angels as well as some of the other notable residents of Heaven. For instance, we all know that Ben Franklin was an avid brewmaster. I'm sure he has some nice varieties up there. This aspect of Heaven is obviously the reason that there are gates around it!

Name That Company

2008-03-24T13:31:00.002-05:00

Well, it's time for me to incorporate my web businesses. I need to do so in order to get a MUCH more favorable tax rate. In Alabama, the corporate tax rate is a mere 6.5%, whereas I am paying well over 30% as a sole proprietorship. Also, corporations in Alabama only pay taxes on the profit, not income. As well all know too well, the government taxes our personal income, not personal profit. So, once I pay all my expenses for supplies, internet service, payment processing fees, home office, and salaries (mine included), the taxable profit will be much lower than the initial amount. I don't know why I have waiting so long to do this!

Anyway, back to the point of this post. I need a company name. Any suggestions???

Sometimes You Just Feel Like Dancing!!!

2008-03-24T12:53:00.003-05:00

Update

2008-03-24T10:31:00.001-05:00

For those of you that have clicked on the ads on this page, I want to say thanks! I'm averaging $2 per day now. That doesn't sound like much, but keep in mind that totals up to $730 per year! It's better than nothing.

Easy Money

2008-03-24T08:14:00.002-05:00

As many of my friends and colleagues already know, I make a fair amount of extra money on the internet. My goal is to quit working my 9-5 job entirely once I reach $100k per year online. Anyway, just to show you how easy it is, I'll show you my latest example. I sent the affiliate link for my web host, Bluehost, to a fellow Internet Marketer that needed a new place to host his websites. Just by referring that person, I made a $65 commission! How easy was that? I simply sent him a link in an email and now I have $65 more than I had at the start of the day. Easy money.