Master of All Things Web

What to do....what to do

2008-04-29T15:29:00.004-05:00

I want to have a goal for my birthday party this week. I'll be turning 30, so I want to try to attain 30 of something within the time constraints of the party itself. So, what should I do??? I was thinking of getting 30 kisses...but anyone that knows me can vouch that that isn't really a challenge. There will easily be more than 30 women at the party that have already kissed me and would readily do it again. So, what then? 30 handjobs? Ouch, I wouldn't have any skin left. 30 blowjobs? I mean, is that even possible?? How about seeing 30 sets of boobs? Now we're talking! Or making out with 30 different chicks. Again, totally do-able! So, let me know what suggestions you may have...I want to hear them! No, I am not open to doing 30 tequila shots, but thanks anyway. Yes, I know that Patron goes down like water but it comes back up like every other tequila!

I don't know why...

2008-04-25T14:05:00.001-05:00

...but this totally cracks me up. Maybe it's the look of disdain on his his face. Not really sure.

Yep, I'm totally wearing this on May 2nd

2008-04-18T08:52:00.001-05:00

Deal with it...and better yet, do what it says!

Birthday Bash

2008-04-17T16:55:00.004-05:00

Here are the details for my 30th birthday bash: http://www.gettingold.org

Where do they go?

2008-04-16T08:19:00.001-05:00

Why is it that you never see a funeral hearse at a gas pump? I mean, they need gas too, don't they? Or is there some deep dark secret that the funeral industry isn't telling us? Do these things run on embalming fluid....or worse yet, blood?

Nokia's newest ad campaign

2008-04-10T13:09:00.001-05:00

I like it! It's concise, informative, and gets straight to the point.

Neat idea....but it wouldn't work in the dirty dirty south

2008-04-08T09:52:00.003-05:00

I like this guy's concept. He tied a disposable camera to a park bench with instructions for people to use it. Yes, he tied it...with string...which is why is would easily be stolen in the dirty dirty south. Anyway, the results were interesting. Some pics were cute, some were a waste of film, but overall it was still intriguing to see what other people deemed worthy of a picture.

The art of looking busy

2008-04-08T08:42:00.006-05:00

If you are anything like me, you really don't feel like working most of the time. I have devised a list of things to do that will make you look really busy without actually getting a single iota of work done. By using the below listed items, I was given an assistant to handle some of my workload (yes, I am dead serious), and now she actually completes the majority of my work while I get credit for it!

1. Walk really fast when you are going anywhere as to appear that you have somewhere important to be. Do this even if you are going to the breakroom for coffee.

2. Carry a notebook with you while walking down the hallway. An open file folder will work as well. Study the notebook or folder intently as you walk, or at least while walking by the boss’s office.

3. Make copies of something at various times throughout the day. I usually keep an old TPS report lying around just for this purpose. Use this is combination with #1 for added effect.

4. Randomly curse when someone walks by your desk. Make sure that you are looking intently at a piece of paper, or the computer screen. Shaking your head is a nice added effect.

5. Shuffle papers around on your desk. It helps to have a mountain of paperwork on your desk to make it more realistic.

6. Look pissed off. "The damn clients are never satisfied!" This and #4 go together like strippers and STDs.

7. Chat with your friends via instant messengers all day. I concurrently use Gtalk, MSN Messenger, Yahoo Messenger, and AIM. The furious typing that I do to keep up with my friends resonates to other people who then think that you are insanely busy!

8. Have your friends call your office number, so that you can close your office door for this “important business call”. Never talk on your cell phone while at work…it’s a dead giveaway.

9. Stay a little bit late one night a week so that everyone thinks that you are a hard worker and trying to get work done. In reality you will be on MySpace, Facebook, eBay, etc.

10. Finally, if you are still looking for ways to look busy, try using the forms found here to kill some time.

Google's new logo

2008-04-04T15:29:00.001-05:00

How background people ruin your photos

2008-04-03T16:53:00.004-05:00

Really???

2008-04-03T16:43:00.001-05:00

Retirement at 30?

2008-04-03T12:20:00.003-05:00

Thanks to all the wonderful people that visit this blog and click ads to support my advertisers, I have increased my daily revenue on the blog from $2 daily to over $20 daily! Yeehaw!!! This daily average increase has occurred in just over a week and a half since I started monetizing this blog. Man, I need to start some more blogs and keep this momentum going!

Looks can be deceiving...maybe even deadly

2008-04-03T08:13:00.005-05:00

This Day-Timer™ organizing notebook may look innocuous to the untrained eye, but inside it lurks a deep dark secret. Within it lies a killing machine like none other. This Day-Timer is the daytime home to a Glock 23C .40 caliber compensated pistol. Yes, it is true...I am, in fact, a bad man. Don't mess with me and you might be able to stay alive. I'm just kidding people! This pistol is only used for good, not evil. I only carry this pistol in the event that I come across a robbery, a rape, a carjacking, a kidnapping, a drug deal gone bad, maybe a domestic disturbance...who knows. Keep in mind that you don't have to shoot a gun for it to be effective. I could simply pistol whip someone into submission. Read my previous post for an example of such use. I know that many of you out there reading this blog are anti-gun. For those of you that know me, you know that I don't really care. As long as you grant me my rights to own and carry a gun (with the proper license of course), I'll grant you your rights to be an anti-gun hippie. I kid, I kid! (I know that I'll get a response from Erica on this one fo sho!)

No really, I'm serious.

2008-04-02T10:38:00.002-05:00

Most of my friends and family won't believe this....at all. I've decided to join the local rugby team. I start practice next week...every Tuesday and Thursday night. Before you even say it, yes, I know that I am a not-so-big-and-muscular computer geek and that I will get hit pretty hard in rugby. I'm fine with that. I used to be quite athletic playing soccer and running cross country. I was pretty good if I do say so myself. Anyway, I'm still learning all the rules with the help of many friends that have been playing for years. This should be fun...and deadly...but hopefully more fun than deadly.

A Solution for the Middle East Turmoil

2008-04-02T08:34:00.002-05:00

For those that don't know this, I am a worrier. I know you really couldn't guess that by talking with me, but it's true. So one of the things that is weighing heavily on my mind lately is the Middle East. More specifically, I'm worried about the Israel/Palestine issue. The problems in that area could easily spark World War III, and thus the end of civilization as we know it. I mean, there will still be humans on Earth, but we'll all be dealing with nuclear fallout and other fun stuff like that. Anyway, so I've been thinking about ways to solve the Israel/Palestine issue. I found a solution. Rather, I should say, my mother found the solution. We were out having dinner last night before she heads back to Europe, and we were remarking about the bacon wrapped scallops that were SO GOOD. A light bulb went off in her head. An epiphany had just been born. Angels were singing and playing harps around the table. It was an enlightened moment. Bacon. Bacon is the answer. Neither the Arabs in Palestine nor the Jews in Israel eat bacon. That's why they are so pissed off! Come on people, wouldn't you be pissy if you couldn't eat bacon every now and then??? So, now we have a solution. Let's force them to break one little rule of their religion and have them eat bacon. The fighting will stop. The obesity will start. Happiness will ensue. They'll all be fat and happy. Hell, they might even be seen eating together at local eateries...sharing a bacon infused appetizer. Problem solved. Peace out.

Truth in advertising...finally

2008-04-01T16:49:00.002-05:00

Rent-A-Daddy will save the world!!!

2008-03-31T16:12:00.007-05:00

I have an idea for a new business venture. I think it's a great idea. Don't burst my bubble if you disagree. I got my inspiration while I was at a store and noticed a teenage male treating his mother like crap. He obviously didn't have a father in his life to keep in line, and his mother was half his size and couldn't control him anymore. That's where I came up with the vision of Rent-A-Daddy Inc! Rent-A-Daddy will send a grown ass man over to your house any time that your punk ass kid needs some discipline. Are your kid's grades failing? Call Rent-A-Daddy. Is your kid doing drugs? Call Rent-A-Daddy. Does Little Junior think he's a gangsta? Rent-A-Daddy will beat the gangsta right out of his Thug Life ass! Does he have a gun? Don't worry, Rent-A-Daddy specializes in pistol whipping him with his own gat. Basically, if your kid is out of control, we'll get his butt back in line for you. Satisfaction guaranteed. 30 day money back guarantee.

Stupid criminal + funny cop

2008-03-31T16:05:00.003-05:00

One of my sisters is married to a cop. Yes, it is quite ironic that the guy that routinely has warrants out for his arrest (me) has a cop in the family. Anyway, a few nights ago he got a call about a small country church with a silent alarm reporting a break in. Him and his partner arrive at the little country church with their lights and sirens off so that they could sneak up on the crooks. As they are creeping around in the church, they realize that the burglars were around the corner in the next room putting on costumes that they had found. My bro-in-law the cop, being the wise guy that he is, told his partner to stay put and quiet until one of the guys was completely in costume. At that point, the cops came out of hiding and arrested the 2 males. They were 18 and 19 years old, respectively. Here's the funny part: One of the burglars was now fully dressed in a Batman costume and thus was taken into custody in costume, booked at Metro Jail in costume, and his mug shot is also in costume (without the mask of course). How friggin hilarious is that??? I bet the other "residents" of the jail had a good time with Batman!

Am I breaking the law (yet again)???

2008-03-31T15:32:00.004-05:00

I may or may not be breaking the law...I'm not quite sure. I just got my pistol permit renewed today. As I was skimming the brochure that they pass out with the permit, I came upon Alabama Law 13A-11-72. Part B of this law states that "No person who is a drug addict or an habitual drunkard shall own a pistol or have one in his possession or under his control." Now, I'm obviously not a drug addict, but I do partake in an adult beverage under more than occasional circumstances. So, that being said, I wonder if I am breaking the law. I mean, I not only own a pistol (or 5), but I also have a permit to carry a pistol on me at any time. Hmmmm....I wonder.

Is anyone reading this random crap from my head???

2008-03-25T15:13:00.002-05:00

Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.
I hear youre feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.

Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.
Just a little pinprick. [ping]
Therell be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up?
I do believe its working. good.
Thatll keep you going for the show.
Come on its time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

A little place called Heaven

2008-03-24T15:18:00.004-05:00

I truly believe that this is what Heaven looks like. There will be a giant refrigerator at the corner of 2 gold paved streets. Inside that refrigerator you will find every beer known to man....and even some that have been specially brewed by the angels as well as some of the other notable residents of Heaven. For instance, we all know that Ben Franklin was an avid brewmaster. I'm sure he has some nice varieties up there. This aspect of Heaven is obviously the reason that there are gates around it!

Name That Company

2008-03-24T13:31:00.002-05:00

Well, it's time for me to incorporate my web businesses. I need to do so in order to get a MUCH more favorable tax rate. In Alabama, the corporate tax rate is a mere 6.5%, whereas I am paying well over 30% as a sole proprietorship. Also, corporations in Alabama only pay taxes on the profit, not income. As well all know too well, the government taxes our personal income, not personal profit. So, once I pay all my expenses for supplies, internet service, payment processing fees, home office, and salaries (mine included), the taxable profit will be much lower than the initial amount. I don't know why I have waiting so long to do this!

Anyway, back to the point of this post. I need a company name. Any suggestions???

Sometimes You Just Feel Like Dancing!!!

2008-03-24T12:53:00.003-05:00

Update

2008-03-24T10:31:00.001-05:00

For those of you that have clicked on the ads on this page, I want to say thanks! I'm averaging $2 per day now. That doesn't sound like much, but keep in mind that totals up to $730 per year! It's better than nothing.

Easy Money

2008-03-24T08:14:00.002-05:00

As many of my friends and colleagues already know, I make a fair amount of extra money on the internet. My goal is to quit working my 9-5 job entirely once I reach $100k per year online. Anyway, just to show you how easy it is, I'll show you my latest example. I sent the affiliate link for my web host, Bluehost, to a fellow Internet Marketer that needed a new place to host his websites. Just by referring that person, I made a $65 commission! How easy was that? I simply sent him a link in an email and now I have $65 more than I had at the start of the day. Easy money.

Incredible Hulk???

2008-03-20T15:46:00.002-05:00

It has been said that humans with Down Syndrome have the extraordinary strength of a chimpanzee. Most people don't realize how incredibly strong a chimp actually is. To me, this leaves an unanswered question or two. How strong is a chimpanzee with Down Syndrome? Is it as strong as a gorilla??? Furthermore, what about a gorilla with Down Syndrome? How strong is that mo-fro? I'm guessing that is where the inspiration for the Incredible Hulk came from. The creator of that character must have come across of Down Syndrome gorilla at least once in his life.

I'm rich beyatch!!!

2008-03-20T12:18:00.003-05:00

Aw skit! I just made my first 35 cents from this blog. Someone clicked on a Google ad at the top and now I'm rich. What should I do first? Trip to the Bahamas? Cooking lessons in Paris? Or maybe just buy a jet and fly around the world. So many options...it sure is nice to be rich!

Now ladies, before you all start flooding me with romantic invitations, let me just say that I already have too many gold diggin hoes as it is. However, I will put your name on the waiting list and contact you when I have a position open.

In case you are blind...

2008-03-20T09:57:00.001-05:00

....and haven't noticed, I have made a grand return to blogging on this site. It's been almost 2 full years since I regularly posted anything here, and I had actually completely forgotten about it until my dear friend Blondie brought it up. Well, since I seem to have a decent amount of free time these days, I decided to get it going again. So I hope you like what you read, otherwise, I don't really care. ;-)

World’s Best Office Prank

2008-03-20T09:49:00.001-05:00

First buy lots of paper cups (it’s important to get paper, not plastic or foam, you’ll see why in a minute).

And I mean lots. Dozens and dozens.

Arrange them over every possible inch of space on the victim’s desk.

Then staple them all together as close to the rim as you can, each cup to the ones on each side, so they are all attached. (This is why you need paper cups, foam or plastic split or disintegrate.) Wherever one cup touches another at the rim, staple.

Next, fill each cup as full as you can possible get it - surface tension full - with water.

Finally, retire to a safe distance, wait, watch and enjoy.

I DID IT!!!

2006-04-18T09:23:00.000-05:00

I did it! I made it all the way to Easter without breaking my sacrifice for Lent! I feel like a born again virgin. I didn't even cheat at all!

THE RULES OF WEDDING CRASHING

2006-04-11T08:28:00.000-05:00

Never use your real name.
Never confess.
No one goes home alone.
Never let a girl get between you and a fellow crasher.
Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.
Blend in by standing out.
Be the life of the party.
Whatever it takes to get in, get in.
Invitations are for pussies.
Sensitive is good.
When it stops being fun, break something.
Bridesmaids are desperate – console them.
You’re a distant relative of a dead cousin.
Fight the urge to tell the truth.
Always have an up to date family tree.
Every female wedding guest deserves a wedding night.
You love animals and children.
Toast in the native language if you know the native language and have practiced the toast. Do not wing it.
The older the better, the younger the better. (See rule below)
Definitely make sure she’s 18.
You have a wedding reception to seal the deal. Period. No over time.
There’s nothing wrong with having seconds. Provided there’s enough women to go around.
If you get outted, leave calmly. Do not run.
You understand she heard that but that’s not what you meant.
Of course you love her.
Don’t over drink. The machinery must work in order to close.
Make sure there’s an open bar.
Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again.
Know the playbooks so you can call an audible.
If you call an audible, always make sure your fellow crashers know.
Don’t commit to a relative unless you’re absolutely sure that they have a pulse.
Never go back to your place.
Be gone by sunrise.
Breakfast is for losers.
Your favorite movie is “The English Patient”
At the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher.
Never hit on the bride! It’s a one-way ticket to the pavement.
The way to a women’s bed is through the dance floor.
Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you’re “sweet.”
Try not to break anything, unless you're not having fun.
At the service, sit in the fifth row. It’s close enough to the wedding party to seem like you’re an invited guest. Never sit in the back. The back row just smells like crashing.
Create and air of mystery that involves some painful experience when interacting with the girl you’re after. But don’t talk about it. Allude to it. Then walk away. She’ll follow.
Always remember your fake name!
The Rules of Wedding Cashing are sacred. Don’t sully the by “improvising.”
You forgot your invitation in your rush to the church.
Make sure all the single women at the wedding know you’re there because you’ve just suffered either a terrible breakup or the death of your fiancé.
Always work the following into a conversation: “Yea, I have tons of money. But how does one buy happiness?”
Be pensive! It draws out the “healer” in women.
Always pull out in time.
Tell any woman you’re interested in that you’d love to stay but you promised to help out at the homeless shelter today.
Get choked up during the service. The girls will think you’re “sensitive.” Bring a slice of onion or artificial tears if necessary.
Avoid virgins. They’re too clingy.
If pressed, tell people you’re related to Uncle Ned. Everyone has an Uncle Ned.
Don’t fixate on one woman. ALWAYS have a back-up.
When seeing a rival crasher, do not interact-merely acknowledge each other with a tug on the earlobe and gracefully move on.
The Ferrari’s in the shop.
If two rival crashers pick the same girl, the crasher with the least seniority will respectfully yield.
No “chicken dancing” – no exceptions.
When crashing out of state, request permission from a local Wedding Crashing chapter.
No more than two weddings a weekend. More and your game gets sloppy.
Bring an extra umbrella when it rains. Courtesy opens more legs than charm.
Always save room for cake.
When your crash partner fails, you fail. No man is an island.
Smile! You’re having the time of your life.
Mix it up a little-you can’t always be the man with the haunted past.
No sex on the alter. Confessionals, okay. Choir lofts, better.
Two shut-outs in a row? It’s time to take a week off. Ask yourself: what is getting in the way of my happiness?
Research, research, research the wedding party. And when you are done researching, research some more.
Studies show women have a more developed sense of smell. Breath mints-small cost, big yield.
No excuses. Play like a champion!
In case of emergency, refer to the playbook.
Girls in hats tend to be proper and rarely give it up.
Keep interactions with the parents of the bride to a minimum.
Carry extra protection.
The unmarried female rabbi-is she fair game? Of course she is.
The tables farthest from the kitchen always get served first.
Stop, look, listen. At weddings. In life.
Occasionally bring a real gift-you’re getting sex without having to buy dinner, you can afford a blender.
Always think ahead but always stay in the moment. Reconcile this paradox and you’ll not only get the girl, you might also get peace of mind.
Don’ let the ring bearer bum your smokes. His parents may start asking questions.
Stay clear of the wedding planner. They may recognize you and start to wonder.
Don’t use the “I have two months to live” bit-not cool, not effective.
Shoes say a lot about a man.
Always choose large weddings. More choice. Easier to blend.
You’re from out of town. ALWAYS.
Know something about the place you say you are from. Texas is played out. For some reason New Hampshire seems to work.
Of course you dream of one day having children.
Never dance to “What I Like about You.” It’s long past time to let that song go. Someone will request it every wedding. Don’t dance to it. No matter how hot she is.
Tell the bride’s friends and family, you are family of the groom and vice-versa.
Only take one car. You never know when you’ll need to make a fast escape.
Deep down, most people hate themselves. This knowledge is the key to most bedroom doors.
Try not to show off on the dance floor. That means you Jeremy.
Etiquette isn’t old-fashioned, It’s sexy.
Catholic weddings—the classic dilemma: painfully long ceremony-horny girls.
The newspaper Wedding Announcements are your racing form. Choose carefully.
Be judicious with cologne. Citrus tones are best.
Save tuxes for “the big show” only.
Avoid women who were psychology majors in college.
No periwinkle colored ties, please.
Always have an early “appointment” the next morning.
Be well-groomed and well-mannered.
Never cockblock a fellow crasher. Cockblocking an invited guest – okay.
Eat plentiful, digest your food. You’ll need the energy for later.
Know when to abandon ship if it ain’t floating.
Know your swing and salsa dancing. Girls love to get twisted around.
Always carry an assortment of different placecards to match any wedding design.
Make sure your magic trick and balloon-animal skills are not rusty. If the kids love it, the girls will too.
Never, ever reveal your true identity.
Never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket.
By decree of Chazz Reingold, Creator of the Rules of Wedding Crashing, revised from 1989 in October 2004, the following bits of slang are no longer acceptable: “it’s all good,” “hey, no worries,” and any sentence that involves anyone getting “their freak on.”

They are converting me!

2006-03-30T11:35:00.000-06:00

I swear the U.S. Government is trying their hardest to turn me into an expatriot! I had my taxes done recently and realized exactly how much I am being taxed. I now have to pay them 25% of my income just for the honor to work in this great country!!! Twenty-five freaking percent!!! And that only counts the Federal government, the State takes out another percentage for their own squandering use. I swear that this just makes me want to sell all my possessions and move to a small tropical island where the tax rate is ridiculously low.

I think that there needs to be a committee formed that consists of ONLY Fortune 500 company presidents, no politicians allowed. This committee would be in charge of cutting out all of the excess and wasteful spending in the government. We all know from our Clear Channel days that big corporations are well-versed in cutting out every nickel that they can from the budget. I think that our country could use this every once in a while to keep us from spending $40,000 a year on Census Bureau employees that simply play on Myspace all day!

25%!!!!!

It's been one of those days!

2006-03-23T10:42:00.000-06:00

Why?

2006-02-20T09:15:00.000-06:00

Why is it so much easier for an Asian to date a black person than it is for a white person to date a black person? It seems as though people don't mind when they see an black/asian couple, but they can't stop staring if they see a black/white couple. Why the double standard?

That's gangsta

2006-02-07T13:33:00.000-06:00

An Open Letter To My Penis

2006-01-27T11:13:00.000-06:00

Dear average-sized penis,

Ugh. I don’t really know how to say this. We’ve been in and around so much together. And I really do appreciate the effort you’ve put in thus far. But I’m sure you have sensed my growing disappointment over the years. I guess the bottom line is I expected you to be a lot more at this point. I keep waiting for you to grow up, but you never do.

Remember when we were both little and I used to check you for signs of growth like every day. Then I started growing, but for some reason you stayed pretty much the same. I checked to make sure you were connected to my body properly, receiving all the blood and vitamins, and I even asked the doctor if there was a problem. He sort of coughed and stifled a chuckle and said, “sometimes penises just stay a certain size.”

Oh the tears that were shed that day. I cried and cried and cried. I cursed you, and banged you against the door. It was meant to be a punishment, but you went and got excited. When you’re excited you’re much more presentable. I begged you to stay that size forever, just without the horizontal/vertical lift. But we were never able to get that kind of synergy going. Even if we could keep you at the size you are right before you’re excited, and right after, that would be cool too. I don’t know if I’ve told you that before, so I’m telling you now.

What’s that? Look, I don’t want to hear it. Yeah, maybe if you were on a Korean guy, or a Chinese guy, or a girl, your reputation would be a lot better at this point. You might be a little more "remarkable." But the fact of the matter is you’re on me, and you are underachieving.

I guess I could do my part and cut down on the whole alpha-male shit-talking. Telling girls your nickname is “The Pulverizer” is probably setting you up for failure. But what should I say your nickname is, “average joe johnson,” or “okey-dokey pokey,” those kinds of names end the game before it even begins.

What would help is if you learned some tricks or something. Like if you learned to talk (French would be pretty sexy), or if you winked that one eye you have, or even did some sort of weird dance, like “the snake” or something like that. I’m sure that would distract from your so-so physique and give the girls something to talk about.

Cause truth be told, I personally could care less about your size and such. If it were just me, smaller might be better, that way you wouldn’t get in my way when I’m trying to scratch my balls. But ultimately, it’s all about impressing the ladies. You know they’re going to talk, and we want to give them something to talk about. When Bonnie Raitt sings that song, you’ll notice there is no mention of a guy with an average-sized penis. That’s not something to talk about.

So I don’t know. Please take this to heart (or to scrotum, whatever translates for you). It looks like you and I are in this together for the long haul, and it’s about time we started communicating. I know you hate the disappointed slump of the shoulders when you come out as much as I do. So let’s work on it. Let’s figure something out.

The ball(s) is(are) in your court. Maybe we can discuss it during kegels tomorrow.

You know where to reach me.

Me

Brilliant Idea

2006-01-19T16:56:00.000-06:00

Obviously the pooper scooper guy was tired of cleaning up after them.

My kids at Chucky Cheese

2006-01-09T11:12:00.000-06:00

I took the kids (Laquesha, Tyron, and Bob) to the Chucky Cheese this weekend. Little Laquesha was riding the car when Tyron tried to carjack her. No worries, she can hold her own. They make me so proud.

Pimpin' ain't easy!

2006-01-03T09:59:00.000-06:00

Here's a pic of the Mobile Master Pimp himself surrounded by six of his bitches at NOJA for the Pimp & Ho's Christmas Party. Good times were had by all.

All I want for Christmas!

2005-12-19T12:17:00.000-06:00

This is all I want for Christmas....click here.

My bizatches

2005-12-09T13:15:00.000-06:00

Here's a pic of some of the girls that I go drinking with when my "regular friends" would rather go home to their pj's. No, before you ask, I do not hook up with all of them. That doesn't mean that I haven't hooked up with some of them, just not all of them.

It's the age of Aquarius!

2005-12-08T09:14:00.000-06:00

Ok ladies, I got an in-depth astrological reading yesterday. It says, among other things, that my ideal mate is an Aquarius. Now, I have no idea what month that is, or if any of you fit the bill, but if you do please COME ON DOWN! Since our relationship success is written in the stars I think that we shouldn't ignore fate any longer than we already have. Please send me your name, age, and a fully nude picture. Thank you.

Is this meant for you?

2005-12-07T13:23:00.000-06:00

Without you life is black not white.
Without you the world has no hope, no light.
Without you I can't go left or right.
Without you I lose my sight.

I'm not an idiot!!!

2005-12-07T08:30:00.000-06:00

This needs to be said. I am NOT an idiot! I am NOT stupid! I do NOT appreciate being lied to. Some people evidently mistakenly associate my crude and jovial attitude with a lack of intelligence. People, this is probably the most conceited statement that will ever come from my mouth, but I am a certified genius. I have taken tests that prove this. I have been admitted to MENSA (though I found it very boring). I find it very insulting when I am lied to by friends as if I am some dumb blonde that will believe anything said to me. Give me a break! Geez.

Look out ladies...here I come

2005-12-06T15:18:00.000-06:00

Shelby's poem...and my response

2005-12-06T09:37:00.000-06:00

"Ode to Saturday night (the X-mas Thieves)"
**************************************************
by Shelby D. Mitchell
especially prepared for Ian, Mags, & Steph
**************************************************

Twas the night of the Big & Rich/Gretchen Wilson show
Me, Dan, our dates, and all of our winners got to go.

We had a great time, the show really rocked!
When we went backstage I saw some of my friends getting really crocked

When I went to the ladies room I got in a fight
I knew in moment that it just wasn't right.

So I went back to my seat, sat next to Dan's wife
who was singing along with all of her might.

We watched Gretchen, John, Kenny with the Big head
although but Kim didn't care for "Two-foot Fred"

After the show, Dan was making such a clatter
running thru the parking lot I asked what was the matter?

Dan was in a rush to get out of there and go
he said Georgia won! I gotta check out my TIVO!

So my date the fireman and I met my buddies downtown
...the same ones from backstage were having ANOTHER round.

At Grand Central we saw folks that had gone to the show here
we could tell by ther cowboy hats and by ALL the beer.

I watched my friends now working on doing MORE shots
(the designated driver was entertained a lot).

On Maggie! On Stephanie! And don't forget Stacy!
And my buddy IAN, who hits on chicks like crazy!

My date and I left to hit the late-night drive thru
(because at ya know At 2am that's what ya GOTTA do)

When we got to my house...my porch was bare!
I HAD nice furniture, plants, and a brand new Christmas wreath there!

I asked my date, the fireman, "Where'd all my stuff go?"
He said...well you DO live in midtown...so...I don't know...

Then laying a finger aside of my nose,
I spotted IAN's beer can where my sega palm grows

Then I knew in flash who had taken my things...
My goofy drunk friends, after 42 drinks!

I checked my messages and yes it was true,
everything was okay, so I wasn't blue.

I looked at the Fireman and said with a smile...
It’s okay, I'll get them back in style!

********* IAN'S RESPONSE ********
Here's my response, and be sure to listen closely,
As I'm writing this rap, I'm feeling kinda toasty
Sitting next the fire thinking of ways
to pull off a better prank that'll be remembered for days.

We were barely trying, those few days ago
When we drunkenly stole from the porch of that ho.

Tonight's another night Steph says with a grin
We'll get her even better when we do it again!

Little does she know what she has coming
For as most people know we're wicked and cunning.

It's times like these that I'm glad she has no gun,
'Cause if you did this to me I'd blast you one!

Now Mags is the most innocent of these musketeers
But she's the team pro at stuffing rocking chairs.

I'm going to leave it that, with no more details
So that you don't know what's coming, or make our plan fail.

Have a good night and be sure to sleep tight
But just to let you know, "Girl, we ain't right!"

The most important night of television

2005-12-06T09:09:00.000-06:00

As I sit here anticipating tonight's awesome Jason Mraz concert at the Saenger Theater that I am attending, I have realized that I will be missing the MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT OF TELEVISION! Tonight is the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show!!! I wait all year for this! It's not often that you get all of the world's HOTTEST women, strip them down to just their SEXY lingerie and put them on national tv. Sigh. I love them. The things I would do to Gisele, Adriana Lima, and Heidi Klum! Wow, I think I need to go to chuch after the thought I just had!

Ooh Rah!

2005-12-02T16:33:00.000-06:00

'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone, in a one-bedroom house made of plaster and stone. I had come down the chimney with presents to give, and to see just who is this home did live.

I looked all about, a strange sight I did see, no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.

No stocking by mantle, just boots filled with sand, on the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.

With medals and badges, awards of all kinds, a sober thought came through my mind.

For this house was different, it was dark and dreary; I found the home of a soldier, once I could see clearly.

The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone, curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.

The face was so gentle, the room in such disorder, not how I pictured a United States soldier.

Was this the hero of whom I’d just read? Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?

I realized the families that I saw this night, owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight.

Soon round the world, the children would play, and grownups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.

They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year, because of the soldiers, like the one lying here.

I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone, on a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home.

The very thought brought a tear to my eye, I dropped to my knees and started to cry.

The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice, “Santa don’t cry, this life is my choice;

I fight for freedom, I don’t ask for more, my life is my God, my Country, my Corps.”

The soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep, I couldn’t control it, I continued to weep.

I kept watch for hours, so silent and still and we both shivered from the cold night’s chill.

I didn’t want to leave on that cold, dark night, this guardian of honor so willing to fight.

Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and pure, whispered, “Carry on Santa, It’s Christmas Day, all is secure.”

One look at my watch, and I knew he was right. “Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night!”

A Marine wrote this poem.

Shoot me now!

2005-11-30T15:46:00.000-06:00

I'm about to go insane! My mother just informed me that we are having a birthday weekend for my grandmother at my house in a couple of weeks. I need to vent for a minute. My house is not big enough for this. I do not have enough patience for this. I do not want to host this. I can not stand being around my family long enough to do this. I have plans to go to a kick ass party that weekend. My family thinks I live in the ghetto (which I don't). WHY THE HELL ARE THEY COMING HERE?!?

The Oh Face

2005-11-30T13:34:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine came over a few nights ago and we went downtown and partied like Amish people at a barn raising. We stayed out way too late and drank way too much, but that's not the moral of this story. Evidently my friend doesn't remember the evening very well and was having trouble remembering if "hooking up" was involved (since we all know that I like to kiss friends). Oddly enough, she remembers waking up naked, but she supposedly always sleeps in the nude (I have not witnessed this myself). Not being one to pass up an opportunity like this, I start laying on the stories. She is now convinced that she had 9 orgasms over the period of a couple of hours before I finally decided to call it a night. Now keep in mind that I could easily have actually achieved this, but in my drunken state, I did not. Also, I am not stating that I had any type of sexual relations with this woman, I merely made her believe that we had. Now she won't quit calling because she wants to come over and reenact that night so that she can remember nine Big-Os. I'll have to see if I can fit her into my schedule. This will be another story for the grandkids one day...

Do you have some spare change mister???

2005-11-29T14:29:00.000-06:00

I wanted to do something for the homeless people in the area for Thanksgiving. I thought about giving them some money, but I knew that they would just use it for alcohol and drugs. Then I realized that I was planning on wasting my money on the same things! Isn't it ironic? I was looking down on the homeless for spending money on booze and I plan on doing the same.

In lieu of giving money, I decided to make some Thanksgiving bag lunches for them. I packed up some nice little miniature Thanksgiving dinners from the leftovers of the "Thanksgiving with Friends" dinner that we had a couple of nights prior. They were all very grateful. One guy starting crying when I gave it to him. Another guy couldn't look me in the eyes once I handed him the food. He seemed so ashamed to be in that situation. Most of the homeless people that I found were actually evacuees from either Katrina or Rita. They were sleeping in parks with all the belongings that they could carry. It was really quite sad.

This sums it up pretty well

2005-11-28T15:22:00.000-06:00

I'm Europe Ian (read it quickly out loud)

2005-11-28T10:58:00.000-06:00

I thought of that in the middle of the night last night for no reason whatsoever.

I did WHAT?!?

2005-11-06T16:44:00.000-06:00

Well, I evidently had a good time at Josh's going away party on Friday night. I managed to run up a $200 bar tab before I staggered out the door of Grand Central. I'd like to thank all of my friends that helped me piece together the few shreds of memories from that night by retelling the voice mails or conversations that I had with them that night. I vaguely remember asking Blondie to marry me. Luckily she too was drunk so she just laughed it off, otherwise she might be Mrs.Master right now. I left a hiccup-laden message on Carrie B.'s phone as I wandered around looking for my car that I left with Michael Jackson. It seemed to be miles and miles away from the bar due to those damn Arts Alive people that were taking up all the good spots. I think I called Mags but I'm not sure what the message said since the damn diva doesn't ever return my calls on the weekend. Good times all around even though I am now $200 poorer...

Baby...the other other white meat

2005-10-31T15:29:00.000-06:00

Here are the long awaited pics of my niece and nephew. They are too cute as I'm sure you'll agree.

Survey says....white.

2005-10-31T09:46:00.000-06:00

I took the red wine vs white wine test last night. I was testing the after effects, aka hangover, of the two types of wine. I have heard that white wine does not leave you with a hangover nearly as bad as red. This myth is true! I had a full bottle of white last night and still bounced out of bed this morning with not so much as a headache! Conversely, I did the same thing with red wine last week and felt like death when I woke up. However, I did notice that the white wine didn't make me feel nearly as buzzed as the red, so I don't know if it is worth the secondary benefits. I think that I will continue this experiment more indepth soon.

I support trendy ribbons...

2005-10-26T11:33:00.000-05:00

Has anyone noticed how many magnetic ribbons are adorning peoples' cars these days? It all started with the "Support our troops" ribbon, but then it exploded into "Breast Cancer Awareness", "Autism Awareness", "Support you local firefighters", etc. Well, I've decided to finally give in and display a trendy ribbon on my own vehicle. Here it is...Support Ho's. Come on now people, ho's need love too! We should all support our local ho's. I am doing my part by having ho's in different area codes.

Mother Nature is PISSED!!!

2005-10-25T11:08:00.000-05:00

Our ever-increasing appetite for fossil fuels is becoming dangerous. It was recently brought to my attention that it takes 8 lbs of coal just to power up my laptop. 8 pounds! Can you believe that? Think how much coal is burned to run your a/c, or refrigerator, washer & dryer, etc. It's insane. As for gas, that's an entirely different can of worms that we have opened. People buy these monster SUV's that get only 10mpg and then bitch and moan when gas hits $3.00 a gallon. It's our own doing! If we all drove cars that were more fuel efficient gas prices would go down to a more reasonable level. This same thing happened in the 70's when everyone was driving those cool muscle cars that drank gas like I drink beer. Gas prices shot skyward until the fuel-efficient 4 cylinder imports came out. I started this post just as a reason to post the accompanying picture, but it now looks like I have jumped up on a soapbox.

Editors note: The Master of All Things Web loves SUVs and muscle cars. This post was in no way a jab at anyone who owns that type of vehicle. He also especially loves V8 engines and wishes he could afford the gas that it takes to run one.

UGH!!!

2005-10-24T13:25:00.000-05:00

This is what I feel like. I hate being sick!

This is all I want...am I asking too much???

2005-10-21T12:56:00.000-05:00

So this is the girl that I'm looking for to spend the rest of my life with. She's exotic, beautiful, excellent body, wonderful eyes, and the list goes on. Am I expecting too much???

You can take the man out of Texas, but you can't take the Texas out of the man!

2005-10-18T09:13:00.000-05:00

It was only a matter of time until the Prez got tired of being politically correct with the overbearing liberal media. This was his answer to their latest round of bashing questions:

Why didn't I think of that???

2005-10-17T10:47:00.000-05:00

I was riding a huge wave while surfing the world wide web when I came upon this blog. Basically, this guy is picking one chick from every state to go on a date with him. Upon selecting a lucky lady, he flies to her state and spends a day or so with her. Man, why didn't I think of this? It's perfect! He has all these women battling to be "the one" that he picks. Granted, he has MANY more readers of his blog than I do, but it's still a novel concept. To make this story even better, he's not even that good looking!

2005-10-12T16:41:00.000-05:00

I am worth $2,020,350 on HumanForSale.com

You ever feel this way???

2005-10-12T09:23:00.000-05:00

The obvious answer is bed...but read on for the surprise ending!

2005-09-27T08:04:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine was going through a bunch of interview questions she found online. One of the questions was “What type of furniture would you like to be and why?”

Her answer was a coffee table, because she can be where the action and conversation are, but without the dirty work of being the couch.

My answer?

A bookcase. Because then ignorant people would never bother me.

Sorry ma'am, I'm spent!

2005-09-07T09:47:00.000-05:00

I am so physically, emotionally, and mentally drained over this whole Katrina nightmare. I spent most of my Labor Day weekend helping family members. Here's my story...

On Friday I took the day off to go search for my missing Grandparents that live in Long Beach, MS. They had not been heard from since the storm and no one could get in the city to look for them. I wish a mutha f*cka would tell me that I can't come into the city to look for my 70-something year old grandparents! My pimp hand is WAY strong!

As I was loading the truck to make the journey over there, I got a call from my aunt that lives in Hattiesburg. The MS State Police had escorted her to my grandparent's house and found them there. They were fine, just a little dehydrated and worn out. Keep in mind that my grandmother has just recently beat cancer, so she isn't the strongest right now. They were taken to Hattiesburg to stay with my aunt until I could pick them up the next day to stay in the luxurious Harbaugh Hotel.

I was requested to bring as much gas and water as possible to Hattiesburg. I spent all day that Friday stocking up on gas. I gathered around 100 gallons of gas and 50 gallons of water to take up there. I had to bring an armed escort with me since this cargo had a street value of over $10,000, I shit you not!

Now my grandparents are living with me. I almost threw up yesterday when I got home when I saw the granny panties hanging in my bathroom. Not cool. We just got word last night that their power and water are back on at their house so I'm not sure if they'll be staying much longer.

Now for my sister's story of NOLA. Her house is on the West Bank. Her fence blew down...and that's all!!! Nothing was wrong with her house, no flooding, no leaks, no nothing. They even have power and water, but no sewer. She has moved to Mobile to have her baby which is due in a couple of weeks since they don't have any grocery stores or gas over there. Also, the escaped prisoners are heading to her neighborhood right now to rob and pillage, so it's best that she stay here under the protective watch of her big brother!

So it seems as though I was on a constant adrenaline rush this weekend in order to take care of all my family obligations, and now I need to crash. Stick a fork in me I'm done!

2005-08-17T10:49:00.000-05:00

Any questions?

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

2005-08-15T08:34:00.000-05:00

I think there is something in the water, or maybe it's in the food supply that is making people grow too fast. Let me explain. I was at a wedding this weekend and I saw a BEAUTIFUL woman. She was about 5'4", 110 pounds, with an AMAZING body. She was all bam-boom-pow! She was kickin' like Van Dam! Anyway, I start talking to her and we are hitting off really well, that is until I found out how old she is.....16!!!! Que the f*ck!?! This girl easily looks to be my age. She definitely doesn't have the face or body of a 16 year old, but that she is. Of course, I immediately stopped flirting with her and went back to drinking my beer. Very disappointing.

Follow the yellow brick road

2005-08-12T08:39:00.001-05:00

I have had an ongoing inquisition into the global diversification of the creature most popularly known as the midget. I have seen a white midget (obviously, duh), a black midget, a Philipino midget, and an Indian (as in India) midget. As a side note, the Indian midget looked taller because of the turbin on his head. Here's what I'm wondering: where are the other midgets? How come no one ever sees an Eskimo midget? Or an American Indian midget? What about the Arabian midget? Where are these elusive creatures? I have a theory. I think that they are sacrificed to the gods. As some of you may remember, I am almost pure American Creek Indian. I recently asked the current ceremonial tribal chief his thoughts on this subject. He said that there is no record of their ever being an American Indian midget for many many moons. The stories that serve as the "official record" don't have anyone named "Dances with Short Legs" or "Waddles like a Duck". Anyway, has anyone seen any of these elusive creatures? Let me know!

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

2005-08-11T13:56:00.000-05:00

So it is now almost 2:00 and I've already gone next door to get a case of beer for me and a couple of co-workers. I absolutely love this job! I use the term "job" loosely since they pay me a ton of money to do what I am good at, drink beer, and work with pleasant people. If I just didn't have to be here at 8am every morning I would probably just call this my hobby rather than my job.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

2005-08-11T10:59:00.000-05:00

I have been noticing more and more rainbow stickers on cars lately. As I'm sure you all know, that is the sign for gay people to identify themselves. Here's my question: Who gave them the right to use the rainbow as their official sign? First off, let me start by saying that this is not a gay-bashing post in any way, I'm just posing a question here. Being raised in a Baptist household, I was always taught that the rainbow was a sign from God, not a sign from a gay person. So why would the gay pride nation decide to use this as their official symbol? Why not a gerbil? Or what about a sign with a man biting a pillow on it? These seem to make so much more sense to me. As for the lady gays, also known as lesbians, you could have a picture of a woman eating a taco (the taco would need to be pink). I have asked a few gay people why they use the rainbow and none could give me an answer. TK Chad still wouldn't admit that he is gay, and the other 2 gays that I asked simply didn't know. Even my homophobic (she's hates the gays) friend Lasheandra couldn't tell me the answer when I asked her a while back. I guess this will remain unanswered.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

2005-08-10T08:12:00.000-05:00

So here's the scoop from last night's date. We had 7:00 reservations at Felix's Fish Camp. It was packed when we got there so I'm glad that I nade reservations. We had some wine and appetizers. Their turtle soup is remarkable, but their cheese grits are lacking in my opinion. I had the catch of the day almondine. They overcooked the almonds when they sauteed them! Can you believe that? I pay $100 for dinner and they can't even cook my food correctly! Anyway, so then we went to Cafe 615 for after dinner drinks. I ordered a $50 bottle of wine. It was REALLY good, but unfortunately it disappears just as fast as a $10 bottle of wine. Overall I spent $160 on a first date and I didn't even get a kiss! I think that I could have if I tried, but I get shy sometimes. Our next date will be somewhere cheaper, I'm thinking Chuckie Cheese.

I FINALLY have a date

2005-08-09T09:26:00.000-05:00

It seems like forever since I have gone out on a real date. Of course, there have been other times where I was out with a woman, but not on a "real" date. Anyway, I'm taking a girl to Felix's Fish Camp tonight. I haven't been there in years. All I remember about their food is that they have good turtle soup. If all goes well I already have another date scheduled with her for Friday night.

Just some good ol' boys, never meanin' no harm

2005-08-09T08:30:00.000-05:00

I went and saw the Dukes of Hazzard movie with a girlfriend of mine last night. IT WAS AWESOME! I loved it. Johnny Knoxville and Sean William Scott are hilarious in this movie. The women, ah the women, in this movie are killer! Some of these girls are slap-your-mama fine. If you go see the movie, make sure to watch the out-takes when the credits are rolling....freakin hilarious. Ironically, all the movie critics said that the movie was crap and wasn't funny at all. That's that bullsh*t!

What happens in Biloxi doesn't stay in Biloxi

2005-08-08T08:34:00.000-05:00

I went to the Beau Rivage Friday night with some buddies that I haven't hung out with in quite some time. One of them was in from Arkansas. He's actually the guy that I used to live with in college that taught me all the pimp moves that work so well. I'd go into more detail, but I'm pretty sure that no one wants to hear about that. So, I decided that we are going to be VIP players at the casino. I start off by pulling my luxury vehicle up to the VIP valet dropoff right up front. I threw the keys to the valet and said "keep it close by and there better not be a scratch on it when i get back." They immediately open the doors for me and my crew. They have already started treating us like royalty. We went straight to the tables and dropped a wad of cash on blackjack so that we could get dinner comped. It worked. Free dinner. I love Alaskan king crab and I ate a ton of it! We played for hours. We had hot women hanging all around us when the stacks of chips were high. It was great even though I think they were mostly high class call girls, but they were still nice to look at. A famous rapper once told me that real dogs don't pay for cat. I took that lesson to heart and have never "paid for cat." Overall it was a very good night. I won some, I lost some, but at the end of the night I hadn't lost a dime and everything was paid for so I was happy. I just wish that I could have had a "happy ending" to go with it!

Another one bites the dust

2005-08-08T08:17:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have again broken a vow. I was doing pretty well at not getting drunk for the last 2 weeks, but it all came to an end last night. I went to a chick's downtown apartment last night to watch Hitch and have a couple of beers. Well, 6 beers later my vow was officially broken. I wasn't plastered or anything, but I felt pretty darn good. See what effect women have on me? I swear! Anyway, the movie was pretty good. I picked up some pointers from Hitch. I also plan on using the Q-tip dance that Kevin James does in the movie. It was awesome!

Here I am again on my own, going down the only road I've ever known!

2005-08-04T16:09:00.000-05:00

Well here I am, I have finally arrived in the blogosphere. You would think that I would have created one of these things prior to this point since it is part of my profession, but oh no, you'd be wrong! I doubt that my blog will be anything special, amusing, or even somewhat interesting to most, but who cares. I really can't post details of my rare and totally random escapades since I don't want to give any future hookups a heads up as to how they will be used.

Anyway, on a totally surprising note, I have given up drinking. Ok, I'm a liar, but I HAVE given up on getting drunk. It has been almost 2 weeks since I got drunk last. That's pretty good for me.